i started this blog with selfish intentions. time has been moving so fast. i need a record of what i do in my everyday life so i won't forget. however, i realized that i was only posting about the fun and exciting things i do. i love my life, but it isn't always sunshine, flowers and puppies. it's not that i want to necessarily remember the crappy stuff that happens, but there are certain experiences that touch my life in a different way that i want to be able to look back on.
this is one of those experiences.
it was a classic love story: boy meets girl. girl meets boy. boy thinks girl is amazing. girl thinks boy is perfect. girl gets scared by how fast things are getting serious. girl hurts boy. boy retreats to man cave. girl is sad.
there aren't many things i'm scared of. off the top of my head, the things i'm most scared of are: being attacked by a bear, walking on frozen bodies of water, haunted houses, my mom when she has this really disappointed look on her face which i've only seen twice in my life, clowns and getting blood drawn.
i thought these were my only rational fears. then this boy comes into my life out of nowhere. so i do what any logical person would do, i ran. i told him we need to slow down (maybe not as eloquently as i was hoping).
i freaked out. all because of one thing. fear.
fear of getting hurt.
fear of losing my title as an independent young woman.
fear of turning into one of those love-struck girls that i make fun (aka: my friends).
fear of trusting someone else with my heart/feelings/dreams/etc.
i made a huge mistake. i knew it was a mistake even as i was doing it. i followed my head when i should have followed my heart. i let fear control my actions.
i tried to fix it. i tried to apologize and explain myself. i couldn't just let him go without giving my all to make things better. but it was too late. feelings were hurt, ego's were bruised and trust was broken.
after spending a few days laying on the couch listening to the taylor swift* cd over and over again and probably annoying my roommate by asking a million times, "should i try calling him again," i finally snapped out of it and decided it was time to stop feeling sorry for myself. if it's meant to be, it will happen. there is a reason why it happened this way, and maybe i don't know what that reason is right now, but it will make perfect sense someday.
lesson learned.
now back to sunshine, flowers and puppies.
*this is not normally something i would listen to. desperate times call for desperate measures.
Posts
5 comments:
thanks for posting even the hard stuff. fear stops us from doing so much. but yet we can't be afraid of fear, it will be there. we just push past it into something greater.
i'm not sure saying this because you called me a "stud"...
That kind of stuff sucks, but it's just one of those life lessons that we all get to go through. Tough times. I hope you're feeling better. Puppies, sunshine, rainbows and roses. :)
I'm sorry you are sad. Perhaps it will make more sense in the future, like when you marry a man with a yacht. :)
And clowns and getting my blood drawn are what my nightmares are made of.
I have been in your shoes. You have to trust that it all happened for a reason, but it's hard to make sense of it all at the time. Don't you look forward to a day 5 or 10 years from now when you look back on your life and say - ok, I get why things worked out that way!
Hang in there. This was a good post. Life isn't all sunshine, puppies, and rainbows. It's important to acknowledge those feelings so you can deal with them and move forward. I bet writing this post was good for you & is helping you move on!
Oh, and I am not a country person AT ALL but I really like Taylor Swift!!
You are so wise for such a young chick! I wanna' take lessons...how much would you charge?
Love ya,
Aunt Chris
Post a Comment