on being humbled

a few years ago, i was listening to one of my most favorite worship songs, "jesus messiah." for some reason on that day, these lyrics struck me in a different way than they have before...

He humbled himself and carried the cross

wow. i couldn't even imagine.

i started thinking about my life and how it was out of control. not out of control in a way that i was committing horrible, illegal acts but i was not being obedient. i was doing the exact opposite of what God was telling me to do. i was trying to control every aspect of my life. i was involved in relationships that i knew were unhealthy. instead of trying to mend my relationship with God, i put Him on the backburner and only talked to Him when i wanted something, and when things didn't go the way i wanted, i got mad at Him. my priorities were out of whack.

while crying through the rest of "jesus messiah," i prayed to Him...

please humble me, God. i need to be humbled.

i've noticed that when you pray for God to give you something, He doesn't just give it to you. it's not like you get a note from Him saying...

Dear Aimee,

I gave you a little extra patience. Let me know if you need anything else.

Peace out,

God

instead, He tests us. so when i told Him i needed to be humbled, He listened and He tested me.

months later, i started to feel like crap all the time. i felt like i no longer had control over my body. i was tired all the time. i could not do the things i was used to doing...hanging out with friends after work, going for a run, etc. i felt like i always needed to be within 20 feet of a bathroom. humbling.

i got diagnosed with a disease that has very embarrassing symptoms. humbling.

i was sent to guatemala to love on people that live in extreme poverty. i did things there that i never knew i had the strength to do. humbling.

i was asked to share my testimony. i stood on a stage in the middle of cathedral park in downtown milwaukee and told whoever was listening that i am a broken, disobedient person but God still loves me. humbling.

i got used to my new lifestyle..having to take pills everyday, worrying about whether or not i'll be around a bathroom, being paranoid about having an accident, not having the amount of energy i used to have, leaving my sister at a restaurant because i was so sick that i had to rush home and couldn't stay until she was done eating. humbling.

i met the love of my life while i was adjusting to my new lifestyle. he's seen me struggle with this disease..not always with as much grace as i should. i've learned how to share my feelings and fears with another person. i've learned that it's ok to let him love me. humbling.

i figured out that i had to stop talking so much and telling God what i wanted, and just able to quiet my soul in front of Him. humbling.

i have become more intentional in noticing the ways in which god humbles me everyday. it's an amazing reminder to me that i am not in control of this life. a reminder that i need..every single day.