the girl with the crappy colon

asacol. prednisone. flare-up. remission. high risk of colon cancer. ulcerations. food log. autoimmune. inflammation. anemia. mesalamine. aminosalicylates. colonoscopies. skin lesions. abdominal pain. gastrointestinal tract. pancolitis. fatigue. weight loss. loss of appetite. disease. blood tests. stool samples. ulcerative colitis.

a few months ago, those words meant nothing to me. now they have become my new reality.

friday the 13th brought a diagnosis of ulcerative colitis into my life.

chronic. incurable. cause unknown.

my immune system is attacking my colon. my body is attacking itself. how is that even possible? can't everyone just get along?? it would be a lot less painful for me.

this book i am currently reading describes the pain of UC as someone "sticking their hand into your stomach and squeezing with all their might." i'd have to agree with that statement.

i carry a pill box around now like an old lady. i take pills with breakfast, lunch and dinner. these pills won't get rid of the disease, but they will hopefully lessen the symptoms, pushing the disease into remission, so i can go back to leading a "normal" life. until the next flare-up, and who knows when that will happen, how long it will last (this one is currently at 4 months and counting) or what it will do to my body that time (another 20 pounds lost? another rash all over my legs that i scratch until it bleeds?). it will be a very unwelcome surprise.

it is a challenge explaining to people what is wrong with me. i think it's hard for others to understand. it's hard for my friends to understand when i want to cancel on our friday night plans because i'm so tired that i can hardly keep my eyes open. they say, "we all get tired and still go out and have a good time." but this is a different kind of tired, this is a tired that i have never experienced before. this is when your body has gotten rid of every nutrient you have tried to put into it and you literally do not have the energy to even drive home from work. and speaking of work, it's really funny when your co-workers think you got knocked up because you spend most of the day feeling completely nauseated and they think you have morning sickness. or when someone at work asks me what diet i'm on because i dropped so much weight so quickly, it's really funny to see the look on their face when i tell them why i lost so much weight. people get uncomfortable when you talk about poop. i think it's funny. it's sad that my co-workers and friends questioned whether or not i had an eating disorder because i run to the bathroom during meals. it's sad that they think i would do this to myself. i wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy...not that i have enemies...people love me...but you know what i'm saying.

the literature that my GI specialist sent me says that i should be going through a grieving process after being diagnosed. denial, anger, acceptance, etc. i didn't do that. should i be doing that?? is there something wrong with me because i'm not doing it that way? i think i just skipped to the acceptance part. why get angry over something i can't control? seems like a waste of the little bit of energy i have right now. i'd rather save my energy for something else. when she told me the diagnosis, i wasn't upset. i was relieved. it was non-life threatening. it could have been so much worse. but then again, i had just woken up from a very medicated nap. i was drugged up and wanted to go back to sleep. she could have told me anything as long as it meant they were going to take the stupid IV out of my arm (right, mom??). i hate IV's. all kidding about drugs and IV's (i really do hate them though) aside, i'm not upset and i'm not angry.

there is a reason why i'm one of the 500,000 people in the country that has this disease. maybe it's because i'm going to help educate people about UC or help to raise money for research that could lead to a cure. maybe this is a challenge that is preparing me for an even bigger challenge down the road. whatever the reason, i'll figure it out someday.